好的,作为中国教育考试院认证的阅卷专家,我将严格遵循您的要求,完成本次写作指导任务。
### **第一步:审题列提纲**
**1.1 审题分析**
* **文体格式结构** → **建议信 (Letter of Suggestion)**。根据<篇章逻辑结构框架评分参考1.21>,结构应为:① 背景信息+写信目的(已给出);② 建议主体段(提出1-2条具体建议并阐述理由);③ 跟进承诺段(已给出)。
* **语言风格** → **半正式、友好 (Semi-formal and Friendly)**。写给笔友,语气应亲切自然,但内容是关于方案建议,需清晰、有条理。
* **人称** → **第一人称 ("I", "my")** 和 **第二人称 ("you")**。
* **时态** → **一般现在时**为主,用于提出建议和说明常理性理由 (e.g., "An app **is** useful because it **provides**...");适当使用**情态动词** (e.g., "**could**", "**would**") 表达建议的委婉性和可行性。
**1.2 布局谋篇**
结合建议信的结构特点和题目信息,我将采用**条理分解法**和**意义功能展望法**来构建文章主体段落。首先,将“智慧校园”这个宽泛概念分解为两个具体的、可操作的建议;然后,对每个建议展望其能带来的积极功能和意义,从而阐明理由。
**第一段:(由题目给出,不赘述)**
* 功能:寒暄问候 + 点明写作意图。
**第二段:(文章主体,实质内容句)**
* **核心内容**:提出两条关于“智慧校园”的具体建议并分别说明理由。
* **信息分解思路**:
1. **建议一:开发一个校园APP (条理分解法 → 分拆内容叙述法)**
* **具体功能1**:整合信息 (Integrate information) → 学校通知、课程表、成绩查询。
* **理由/效果1**:提高效率,方便学生和老师 (Improve efficiency, convenient for students and teachers)。
* **具体功能2**:在线服务 (Online services) → 食堂点餐、图书借阅。
* **理由/效果2**:简化流程,提升校园生活品质 (Simplify procedures, enhance campus life quality)。
2. **建议二:建立智能教室/图书馆 (意义功能展望法)**
* **具体应用**:互动白板、在线资源库、座位预定系统 (Interactive whiteboards, online resource databases, seat booking systems)。
* **理由/效果**:使学习更具互动性和个性化,资源利用更高效 (Make learning more interactive and personalized, utilize resources more efficiently)。
**第三段:(由题目给出,不赘述)**
* 功能:表达祝愿 + 期待。
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### **第二步:打造并升级参考范文**
#### **第一步:打造参考范文**
Dear Jim,
I'm glad to receive your letter and happy to offer some suggestions.
(S1) **For starters**, I suggest **developing a comprehensive campus App**. (S2) This tool **could centralize** everything from class schedules to school announcements, **making** important information **readily accessible** for everyone. (S3) **Furthermore**, **setting up a smart library system** would be another great idea. (S4) **With it**, students could easily reserve study seats online and get access to a huge collection of digital books and papers. (S5) These ideas aim to **make** school life more efficient and learning more engaging.
I hope my suggestions are helpful. Good luck with your proposal!
Yours,
Li Hua
*(篇章结构:总分总结构清晰,两条建议层次分明。第一段引出话题;第二段分点阐述建议及理由,逻辑连贯;第三段总结并表达祝愿。)*
*(信息分解:S1和S3使用“条理分解法”提出两个核心建议;S2、S4和S5使用“意义功能展望法”阐述其功能和积极影响。)*
#### **第二步:优化升级**
**@S1: For starters, I suggest developing a comprehensive campus App.**
* **问题分析**: "For starters" 过于口语化,"suggest doing" 结构较为单一。
* **优化1 (难度不变)**: **My first suggestion is to develop a comprehensive campus App.** (*优化建议:使用更书面的 “My first suggestion is to...” 句型,使表达更清晰、正式。*)
* **优化2 (难度提升)**: **One compelling idea that comes to mind is the implementation of an all-in-one campus App.** (*优化建议:使用 “One...idea that comes to mind is the implementation of...” 结构,句式更复杂,词汇 “implementation” 和 “all-in-one” 更具体、高级。*)
**@S2: This tool could centralize everything from class schedules to school announcements, making important information readily accessible for everyone.**
* **问题分析**: 句子结构正确但略显平铺直叙,可以增强其逻辑和表达效果。
* **优化1 (难度不变)**: This App could **integrate** various functions, from class schedules to school notices, **which makes** vital information **instantly available** to all. (*优化建议:使用动词 “integrate” 替换 “centralize”,并用非限制性定语从句 “which makes...” 来连接结果,使逻辑更顺畅;“instantly available” 替换 “readily accessible”,表达更生动。*)
* **优化2 (难度提升)**: **Serving as a centralized platform for** everything from timetables to official announcements, this tool would **ensure** important information is **at everyone's fingertips**. (*优化建议:使用现在分词短语作状语 “Serving as...”,结构更简洁高级;“ensure...is at everyone's fingertips” 的表达更地道、形象。*)
**@S3: Furthermore, setting up a smart library system would be another great idea.**
* **问题分析**: "great idea" 略显主观和普通,可以更客观地描述其价值。
* **优化1 (难度不变)**: **Additionally, establishing a smart library system** would be very **beneficial**. (*优化建议:使用 “Additionally” 和 “establishing” 增加用词多样性,“beneficial” 替换 “a great idea”,更客观、正式。*)
* **优化2 (难度提升)**: **Another forward-thinking move would be to upgrade the library into a smart hub.** (*优化建议:使用 “forward-thinking move” 突出建议的前瞻性,将 “library” 升级为 “smart hub”,概念更现代化,也更符合“智慧校园”的主题。*)
**@S4: With it, students could easily reserve study seats online and get access to a huge collection of digital books and papers.**
* **问题分析**: "With it" 的衔接方式较为基础,可以采用更丰富的句式。
* **优化1 (难度不变)**: This system **would allow students to** book study spaces online and **access** a vast collection of e-resources. (*优化建议:使用 “allow sb to do sth” 句型,并列动词 “book” 和 “access” 使结构更平衡;“e-resources” 概括性更强。*)
* **优化2 (难度提升)**: **Such a system would empower students with the ability to not only** reserve study spaces effortlessly online **but also** tap into a massive database of digital materials. (*优化建议:使用 “empower sb with the ability to do” 突显赋能作用,并用 “not only... but also...” 结构增强信息的层次感和强调效果,“tap into” 和 “massive database” 词汇更地道、有力。*)
**@S5: These ideas aim to make school life more efficient and learning more engaging.**
* **问题分析**: 作为总结句,可以更有力,更紧密地回扣主题。
* **优化1 (难度不变)**: Both suggestions are designed to **boost efficiency** in campus life and **promote an engaging learning experience**. (*优化建议:使用 “boost efficiency” 和 “promote an... experience” 等动宾搭配,使表达更具体、有力。*)
* **优化2 (难度提升)**: **Ultimately**, both proposals are geared towards **fostering a more streamlined and interactive academic environment**. (*优化建议:使用副词 “Ultimately” 总结,动词 “foster” 和形容词 “streamlined”, “interactive” 更为书面和精准,完美呼应“智慧校园”的内涵。*)
---
### **第三步:满分范文升级**
Dear Jim,
I'm glad to receive your letter and happy to offer some suggestions.
***For starters***, **one compelling idea is the implementation of an all-in-one campus App**. **Serving as a centralized platform** for everything from timetables to official announcements, **it** would ensure vital information is **always at everyone's fingertips**. ***Moreover***, **upgrading** the library **into a smart learning hub** would be another **forward-thinking move**. **This** would **empower students with the ability to not only** reserve study spaces effortlessly online **but also** tap into a massive database of digital materials, **fostering a more streamlined and interactive academic environment**.
I hope my suggestions are helpful. Good luck with your proposal!
Yours,
Li Hua
*(满分范文升级说明:)*
* ***(篇章结构与衔接)***:使用 ***"For starters"*** 和 ***"Moreover"*** 清晰地标记出两个建议,逻辑层次分明。代词 ***"it"*** 和 ***"This"*** 的使用确保了句间指代明确,衔接自然流畅。
* ***(语言结构多样性)***:范文融合了**现在分词作状语**(Serving as...)、**"not only... but also..."** 并列结构以及**现在分词作结果状语**(..., fostering...)等多种复杂句式,极大地丰富了句法结构。
* ***(词汇与内容)***:词汇选择精准且高级,如 **implementation**, **centralized platform**, **at everyone's fingertips**, **forward-thinking move**, **smart learning hub**, **empower**, **streamlined**, **interactive academic environment**,这些词汇紧扣“智慧校园”主题,有效提升了内容的深度和表达的得体性。
* ***(核心素养)***:范文不仅提出了具体建议,更阐述了其如何提升效率、促进互动,体现了对科技如何服务于教育的深刻思考,展现了良好的**思维品质**和**文化意识**。
*(114 words | 蓝思值: 1020L | CEFR: B1+ | 话题词汇密度: 51%)*